Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How much for the erotica kit? Sir, that's a package of bacon.

   You just don't know what awkward is until you call out your wife's name while having sex with her sister.

   My therapist told me...nothing you idiot vodka can't talk.

   There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.

   Million dollar idea: Nothing's better than the smell of a new born baby. Now if we could figure out how to bottle that in a mans cologne. Hear that sound? That's the sound of bra's snapping all over.

   A Japanese company upset Americans by selling clothes labeled Skinny, Fat and Jumbo. They have since changed them to Large, Extra Large and American.

   My friend asked “What do blind people think about when they masturbate?” I’d be willing to bet that it is something along the lines of “Who is watching me”

   I would totally sell your soul for a cup of coffee right now.

   If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter, they both might be alive today.

   John Kerry criticised massacres committed by Israel privately; but, publicly he was a fraidy-cat because without Israel's support there would be no win in election you know!

   What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were still alive? Scratching on the inside of her coffin lid.

   you’re a grown man who gets erections. what business do you have saying sh*t like “it’s my birthday month”?

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that most murder cases are only solved after a detective is suspended but ignores the suspension.

   How to get along with your spouse: Don't have one.

   Relax, everyone.....The government that couldn't get a website to work has got this Ebola thing. Don't worry!!

   1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave

   "I don't know what youre talking about, he's nice to me" - somebody in the eraly 1940s Germany, talking about Hitler.

   maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.

   You can always tell how wealthy a black dude is by how much white he wears

   How much for the love drug? Sir, that's chloroform