Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder how many men helping the needy in foreign countries had a different idea when they told their wife they were interested in missionary.

   I have decided my next ex-wife will be Scottish so when she calls me a worthless fucker it will be in that adorable wee accent.

   I'm fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.

   My call is important to them, my time isn't.

   "This chick on Instagram posts so many pictures of her boyfriend I feel like I’m dating him."

   Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.

   Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare butt pops up on their screen

   Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit the propeller on the way down.

   How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google’s homepage.

   Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.

   Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call

   Been watching Sharknado. When did Tara Reid turn 60??

   I'm gonna take a jog... down to that seat at the end of the bar!

   I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister

   Where's the I want to punch you in the face button?

   Ultimate act of defiance, finishing your FB status update while your Boss waits at your desk!

   Sucking on a woman's nipples helps prevent breast cancer. Make sure you know the woman, cops don't care if you were trying to save her life.

   How much for the survival kit? Sir, that's an iPhone charger.

   Nice status. You're out of alcohol again aren't you?

   Duct tape. Turning "No" into "mmmmmmffff" since 1871.