Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sick of people who judge so quickly and also trust justice system too much.

   I'm so Facebook i'm sick of seeing all these stupid I'm so posts.

   The American Quarter Horse has unique features that make it specially suited for a variety of tasks. Ya, Quarter pounder with cheese at McDonalds. Coincidence ?

   You know how you can hear the sea if you hold a sea shell to your ear? I'm pretty sure if you hold dog sh*t to your ear it sounds like Justin Bieber.

   life is just one big mess.....OCD people hate messes....therefore OCD people hate life

   I swear while 50% of the human race is evolving the other 50% is devolving.

   Walk of shame? If I can still walk, the shame is yours.

   Please lord let that toaster be plugged in. *watches wife fishing out bread with a fork

   Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won't be necessary.

   Not all accidents are destiny, but all girls named Destiny were accidents.

   "I need dat and dat and dat" - stomach

   You know she is a psycho when she posts pics of her mood. SAD, ANNOYED, HAPPY, ANGRY.

   *at my own wedding* Can I please stay in the car?

   I search all over the internet for funny stuff and paste it here so that you don't have to. So show some appreciation please.

   Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my Dasani water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.

   I’m offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off.

   Don’t you wish some people would start using glue instead of lipstick?

   Every Instagram caption should just be, “ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??”

   The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.

   It’s amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.