Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.

   I'm so old,,, my driver's license is valid for covered wagons.

   My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.

   In Canada they have 18 hour traffic jams at 4 way stops,,, cause everyone is being polite and insisting the other driver goes first

   Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.

   Ain't no sandwich when she's gone... Ain't no Sub when she's away..

   When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.

   Hate when Taco Bell doesn't have the all of their menu items on the drive thru sign, cuz then I have to just ask for.. "the thing that made me crap my pants last time"

   Big shout out to fat dudes on crotch rockets for making us all laugh a little bit

   *Looks left... *Looks right... * Crosses road,,, * Gets run over by a chicken...

   Getting paid to rate porn. Well, that's the excuse I will give if I am caught watching it. . .

   Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.

   Some women; They deny sex but demand fidelity.

   Why is it always the ugly and fat women that are nymphos? For once I would like to meet a beautiful nympho.

   'for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until' you eat the last star crunch and pee on the toilet seat

   If you can listen to Dire Straits "Sultans of Swing" and not play the air guitar, then you my friend have no soul!

   Sick of people worrying about the Criminal more than the Victim. I support the death penalty… and who cares how long it takes you to die during an execution? Di d you care when you killed those people?

   I don't get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.

   Suffering is good for the soul.

   Telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.