Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN

   Your restraining order says NO But your lazy eye says.......maybe later.

   It's not love if she takes the money off of the dresser.

   A woman that doesn't ask for nothing deserves everything

   my safe word is "is that blood?!"

   Dear Automatic Toilet Flusher: I appreciate your enthusiasm but I wasn't done yet.

   "We look down on other fish fingers" - A Birds Eye view.

   I don't know if anyone been in the new Mus-lim clothing store in the mall but I suggest you don't ask if they have any bomber jackets in stock....They didn't like that at all.

   Look officer, I'm a woman I answer to no one.

   It's so depressing how the <3 symbol looks like someone dropped their ice cream cone.

   Don't religious people have the same said "blog" where they can be stupid without boring the rest of US? How "Christian" to talk crap about others...religious people are some of the BIGGEST hypocrites and most judgmental people I know of.

   Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don't have a moon where I live.

   What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn't make sandwiches? A compromise.

   A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.

   "I quit" - Ahmad Jauhari Yahya, Group Chief Executive Officer Malaysia Airlines

   To all of the people whom voted for Obama the second time: There's an idiot on your keyboard right between the letter "Y" and "I"

   President Vladimir Putin says at least we know where this Malaysian Airliner is.

   I got you something better than a present. I wrote "happy birthday dude" on your Facebook when a robot reminded me it was your birthday.

   If your shirt isn’t tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into your shirt.

   The only time the word incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.