Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I forget how annoying people can be, I log on to Facebook for about three minutes.

   It's racial profiling when a waiter in a Chinese restaurant gives me a fork.

   Just finding out that Nickelback has a greatest hits album very well may have ruined my entire day.

   Me: "Hey you forgot to close the door! Were you born in a barn?" Jesus: "Yes." Me: "Oh, it's you. Sorry, Jesus." Jesus: "I forgive you."

   Turns out, my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out, either

   If you see a porcupine in your yard don't panic, it's just my cat and we're not done with our acupuncture session.

   “You make me a better person.” - Me talking to my cup of coffee.

   This is an "A" and "B" conversation, so "C" your way out before "D" jumps over "E" and "F"s you up like a "G".

   No, seriously. My dog called 'Shotgun' - get in the back seat.

   I think you missed your true calling as a pinata.

   Kanye looks lovingly at Kim... "Thank you for coming to my wedding."

   Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I'll have to turn to Facebook.

   Sweep her off her feet guys. Chicks are really impressed with UFC skills

   If LaBron is really serious about winning he would sign with the Harlem Globetrotters

   The only problem I have is behaving

   My flirting checklist 1 Eye Contact 2 Throw you in the trunk of my car 3 4 5 I guess I only have two moves. Flirting is super hard.

   98% of the heat fans just opted out too.

   My sex tape is just several camera angles of me getting friend zoned.

   I have a beard and tattoos why are you still wearing panties? Yes, I want fries. No, I don't want a receipt. Stop changing the subject.

   I believe I'm now at the age where wishing for something really hard and pooping your pants is pretty much the same thing ツ