Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Which came first. . . social media or dumb people? AND which is worse. . . the overdoing of selfies OR not knowing how to use the English language?

   Every once in a while you come across a tweet that makes you stop and wonder, if monkeys now also have tweeter accounts.

   Some people spend their whole life searching....I spend it trying to keep a straight face.

   To do list: Cancel date with Hope Solo.

   Have you heard about the Facebook that's just for women only? It's called a cookbook.

   You think you're important.....and I think you should stop thinking

   My favorite yoga pose is "trying to take an ass selfie."

   Your life sounds very interesting. Tell me more about your dog.

   Don't be the one that smells the farts, be the one that is the farts.

   "How much for the man cave?" "Sir that's a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"

   Guys that try to pickup women on FaceBook are pathetic. Ladies if you agree DM me your number so we can talk about it...

   I don't Always wear my glasses but when I do I can see properly.

   She loves me *pluck* She loves me not *pluck* What? This bird only has two wings?

   Never ask yourself "Can I do this?" Instead, ask yourself "Where can I take a nap?"

   I'm looking forward to avoiding spending time with you

   Anything you can do I'll b*tch about later.

   Every time I think I'm ready for a serious relationship again, I just remember that I like having sex

   Soccer would probably be a lot more popular in the USA if they put cheerleaders on the sidelines, ran with a football, and scored touchdowns

   At least pizza won't keep you up at night with it's loud snoring

   I get all my dating advice from my Wife's boyfriend. Then I do the opposite.