Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.

   I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps

   When a chicken crosses the road it is poultry in motion.

   Two Franciscan priests opened a Long John Silver's franchise. One was the fish friar and the other was the chip monk.

   The best way to deal with voicemails is to simply not return them.

   I'd rather bathe with a cat than have a joint FB account...

   This homeless dude comes to me and ask for money. He said “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I said “Don’t worry. It still states the same.”

   My wife will buy anything marked down. The other day she brought home an escalator.

   What do you say when God sneezes?

   While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

   I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

   What can I say about Kanye West that he already hasn't said himself?

   If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

   Well, another family reunion ruined when Grandpa started talking about Grandma's dusty muffin again...

   My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her. I just swam to the surface.

   Sometimes it is best not to talk unless you can improve on the silence.

   I once donated a pint of blood and the doctors were quite greatful. They said it contained enough alcohol to sterilize their equipment.

   You're so fabulous, I'm pretty sure you sh*t glitter.

   Being heckled during sex is the worst.

   For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me