Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friday the 13th would be a lot more frightening if Jason chased you down in a big SUV and made you pay to fill it up with gas.

   I Woke up so excited this morning when I saw World Cup listed on my Tv .Imagine my dissapointment when I found out it was soccer and not quidditch.

   World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I'd go watch some of my single friends at the bar.

   Happy Triskaidekaphobia Day!!! and a full moon to add to it

   10 minutes or it's free guarantees are not always a good thing. Take ball pube trimming for example...

   If you call it Starbs one more time I might just totes murds you.

   Wayne Gretzky's son has opened a Parmesan cheese factory and it's ranked number 1 in the world.......He will now go down in history.....forever known as, "The Grate One"......

   Anywhere in the word that is UTC-5 or less will get a full moon on Friday, Sept. 13 2019. So the next one isn't 2049..... Just sayin...

   3 billion people with a collective IQ of 9

   I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs

   Scientists have created a mutant version of the deadly 1918 Spanish flu virus in an effort to better understand how pandemics start. I'm not a scientist, but this is how pandemics start.

   Rest assured no grass got cut today.

   Meanwhile in a Galaxy Far, Far Away... I meant a Soundstage in London, Harrison Ford's Ankle is broken by the hydraulics that control a door in the making of the next Star Wars movie.

   “I believe that we will win” - USA chant for the World Cup...... “Winning the World Cup is just not realistic” - Jürgen Klinsmann USA team coach.

   The only thing this world cup is missing is the vuvuzella! Said no one ever

   If Wil.i.ams' tomb stone doesn't say "Wil.i.was" I will be highly disappointed.

   Why is it called ''beauty sleep'' when you wake up looking like a troll??

   I'm glad soccer is not a sport screwed up with wearing loads of pads, big bellies, giving injuries to other opponents by brute force, run for one second and call themselves talented.

   If you could dribble your opponent or pass the one blocking your way, without grabbing him, then tell me soccer needs no skill; you don't like it every time you suck and are eliminated.

   Pro tip: Guys, always be Frank with your sex partners. After all, you really don't want them to know your real name.