Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I knew a guy that was a dyslexic agnostic insomniac, He'd lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

   Most of my workday is me thinking what my couch is doing right now

   How to avoid getting the short end of the stick? Just stop sharing sticks! There are enough sticks out there that you can have your own.

   The reason women always get cold is because they can't keep their mouths shut long enough to store up any heat.

   I ordered a pizza for dinner. The pizza guy says "Do you want it cut into 6 slices or 8 slices?" I said "Better make it 6. I don't think I can eat 8."

   So who was this Maya Angelou? Was she the one that wouldn't give up her seat on the bus?

   I don't care for how many years human beings have been following a certain routine, custom or culture, if it doesn't make sense to me imma still gonna question it.

   When I'm a billionaire, I will use cats instead of toilet paper.

   Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.

   If I was religious I'd probably just argue with God a lot.

   I never hit on women with profile pics that are tilted. If she's too lazy to rotate her pics once what makes you think she'll ever want to be on top?

   When someone calls you to tell you they’re coming over to your house and you lie you’re not home because you don’t want to wear pants.

   So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.

   watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence at least we don't have to save for college

   I'm fine, she said, Don't worry about it she said, Go hang out with your friends she said I'm having a bonfire with all your stuff she said

   I'm more P0rnhub than Pinterest.

   Sorry I photobombed your pic, but I needed an alibi.

   I hate it when women wear pink camouflage. I'm like, where you hiding? Candyland?

   Ignorance begets overconfidence and it is harmful when these people are in positions of authority.

   Hey kids, see those cool Red Bull commercials? Yeah, that ain't gonna happen...