Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”

   California a maltese dog cost around $1000, You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.

   If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.

   Just went down to get my driver’s license renewed but this time I made sure I was drunk for the picture. Now if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving, they’ll just think I’m spastic.

   I don’t know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   I disagree, but I respect your right to be stupid

   I don’t have a problem with idiots… I have a problem with the fact they they have an internet connection.

   I could be an Olympics commentator because I’m good at pointing and saying, “You can tell she wants it.”

   My favorite part of a date is when he walks her to the door and kisses her goodnight and I cry in my car watching

   I went to Walmart twice today. Once for groceries. Once because I just wanted to feel pretty but didn't want to get out of my pajamas.

   It would have been more realistic if that Michael Jackson hologram last night touched a few little little boys in the front row.

   Two silkworms raced each other. They ended in a tie.

   Apparently it's Monday today and it's sunny outside. Thanks everyone for that invaluable piece of information

   Just read that Kate Upton is an heir to a billion dollar fortune... Finally a reason to date her...

   Dating tip: Never let your girlfriend know you’re good at something you hate doing.

   50 shades of can't stop drinking.

   Which wine pairs best with murderous rage?

   I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......

   I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

   This vodka tastes like it needs more vodka.