Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Heaven: mozzarella cheese Hell: cottage cheese

   You dug the hole you're in... now stop whining and start climbing.

   Hey part-time Christians; The word of God was meant to be kept not borrowed whenever and wherever it suits you.

   Ladies: be careful if you wear spaghetti straps. It distracts us guys because it makes us think about pasta. And we will do anything to get pasta.

   Women need to learn how to use Snapchat. It's only for sexting, I don't want to see pictures of your feet or your new perm

   I knew you were trouble when you said you didn’t drink.

   Someone should tell all the policemen, teachers, firefighters and military people that apparently the real hero's are public gays...

   Tom has a lot of space. He named his website very accurately.

   Donald Sterling, Solange, and Michael Sam walk into a bar,,,,who am I kidding, Donald Sterling would NEVER was into a bar with either of them.....

   If Nancy Pelosi gets one more facelift , she's going to have to start brushing her teeth with Vagasil .

   Micheal Sam is good enough at publicly wanting privacy he could be a Kardashian!

   If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.

   Casey Kasem found safe today in Washington state. Overheard nearby: "And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you darn kids."

   It's cute how kids think band aids automatically take away all the pain and make everything better. That's alcohols job you little turds.

   My life coach threw a chair at me.

   If I wind up looking anything like Peter Pan with a hammer, I'd run like the bloody wind.

   I have a masters at saying dumb things to beautiful women.

   On my tombstone please write: more people not appreciating my puns and updates when I was alive was a grave mistake.

   Just spilled an entire beer in the shower. -viewing today from 6 to 8.

   Thinking of starting a male version of the Red Hat Society. Come be a Purple Helmet with me, guys!