Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dating tip: gently but quickly place her in the trunk before she asks any questions like, who are you?

   When you think your life couldn't be any more pathetic, remember some people have more than 1 Facebook account.

   Facebook taught me to mind everyone else's business.

   My attractive feature is that sometimes I go away.

   My seduction technique is to make things awkward and then not talk to you for a while

   I'm going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.

   Dear P0rnhub, A category called "oh, you have kids?" with videos no longer than 3 minutes. Thanks, Parents

   If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

   No LinkedIn, I do not want to display my Twitter on my profile. I would actually like to keep my chances of getting a job above zero.

   Lacrosse...when it comes to sports, you are one big h0m0. I meant that in a nice way.

   I hate when I get to work and I'm at work.

   The Cubs are so bad that the last time they won a World Series, the team photo was an oil painting.

   If you are offended by the opinions I express then you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.

   ..... So the first picture of Ben Affleck as Batman was released today!!! Question: When is Hollywood going to realize that they are never going to be able to replace the greatest Batman of all time ..... Adam West?

   A violent outburst like that can only mean one thing...Jay-Z pushed all the floor buttons at one time.

   White girls with weaves... No. Bad white girl.

   Sometimes “Girl's night out” means she has just taken her bra off

   If I hear this HAPPY song one more time...

   I just lost all my phone contacts so please don't send me yours!

   I'd punch Jay-z too. His face is stupid.