Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what else is gluten free? Cigarettes.

   I've officially met everyone's mother yesterday via Facebook so I'm pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies

   I never would've noticed that you removed me as a friend, until you tried to add me back.

   Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed yo midunderstanding you.

   F'n auto correct....I typed in "I like a dark ale", but it typed, "I like a dark @$$." Now every black woman on facebook is hitting me up.

   Vasaline is the key to having sex with your spouse after having children... *Just stick that stuff on the outside of the doorknob and the kids can't turn the knob to get in.

   Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!

   After TMZ broke that Jay-Z getting his ass kicked by Beyonce's little sister, I am now convinced TMZ is worse than NSA. They got cameras everywhere.

   Why didn't Beyonce and Jay-Z name their kid B-Jay?

   Good news for all the ladies that felt out this Mothers Day...I am extending my offer for an additional 30 Days... One free insemination! your place or mine...now open 24/7...guaranteed satisfaction..Ladies don't be left out next Mothers Day...get knocked

   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again...

   I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?

   My wife wanted a puppy .I didn't want a puppy . So we compromised and got a puppy...

   My wife and I didn't know the handles on the mattress are to MOVE it!! We've been totally misusing them this whole time!

   Unless you have health insurance and a college fund for it, owning a pet doesn't not make you a parent!!

   The Jay-Z incident - That's why I strongly believe women deserve equal rights. And lefts.

   I don't what the big deal is with Michael Sam. NASCAR has had Jeff Gordon for years! Bahahahaha!

   On a scale of Chris Brown to Jay Z, how aggressive are you with a crazy woman?

   Solange finally got a hit!!

   Unfortunately, these days being fake doesn't require any plastic surgery!