Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Army drone crashes near Pennsylvania elementary school! Probably taking pics of lil kids - NS@ Pedophiles

   Living without regret begins first by killing all the memory cells with something called alcohol.

   Popeye teaches you that spinach makes you stonger while completely skipping over the part about pooing your pants at work.

   Ants can lift fifty times their own body weight, but do they lift even one finger around the house? NO!

   Sorry NCAA, but "The Process Of Paint Drying" is on discovery channel. Maybe next time.

   Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.

   ATMs should require you to pass a breathalyzer before you can make a withdrawal after midnight

   I just had to cancel my Christian Mingle account... they found out I was on JDate.

   The French are horrible at robbing banks. As soon as they get out of the bank with the money, they go straight to police station and surrender.

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

   At my age, Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.

   Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30

   I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”

   It scares me that some of you have children.

   I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.

   I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow

   When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

   What's with those lower urinals? Are they for small boys or large men?

   So many baby mothers post up pictures of their kids everyday.. I'm watching them grow.. I'm technically their step dad

   Does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won't share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding... I have no clue whose kid this is.