Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You make me want to stop wearing the same jeans 3 days in a row.

   It's not about the chase, it's about the kill

   When I said your were an angel, I meant Lucifer.

   I was raised Catholic, so yeah I'm familiar with being molested

   When someone say's.. Living the american dream. I picture... Them with a large pizza, on their lap. While dipping fries into a frosty.

   I'll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That's what this paper says.

   I don't wanna brag but I'm getting pretty good at boiling water.

   Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, but now my boss is coming back from Costa Rica a day early.

   I just hope my stalker doesn't tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.

   McDonalds sponsoring the Olympics is akin to Trojan sponsoring Vatican events.

   If anyone asks, I'm drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

   Just because you call your kid an angel doesn't mean he is one. Lucifer was an angel too.

   Today was a bad day, first my ex was ran over by a bus, then I was fired from my job as a bus driver...

   I enjoy long romantic walks to my liquor cabinet.

   In spite of world wide outrage, I'd bet if Copenhagen Zoo sold tickets and pay per view the next time they feed a giraffe to a lion, it will be their biggest sell out event of all time.

   When I was young I was taught to fear and hate the devil. Now that I'm older and know better, I'd like to get high and have a beer with him.

   I swear some women are more psyched about GETTING married than BEING married

   Coke Zero is the only soft drink named after the number of times I've tried it

   Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as "really nice" people. Who else is a "really nice" neighbor? Canada. I'm just sayin'

   Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn't hear you the first 100 times.