Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Slipped on a banana peel and fate caught me

   So boxing was Zimmerman's hobby? Yet he let some teenager who was 15 or whatever years younger than him maul him to the point where he screamed like a little girl and had to shoot him? Ok.

   phillip seymour hoffman had a better super bowl sunday than the broncos

   I hate it when men tell me what to do unless it's DJs in songs then I'm like yes sir dropping it now

   The Olympics start tomorrow...or should we refer to it as The Hunger Games? Rabid Dogs running loose, Water not fit to drink, corrupt politicians, Security threats, Just surviving will get you a Gold Medal

   My FB movie is just 10 years of life kicking my in the balls...

   I just watched the "Times for the Seasons" video, glamour sexy hot chicks from the 60s, the realized they're now either past 80 or dead. ENJOY LIFE GUYS! its over soon

   How the heck are eggs full of cholesterol but chickens aren't?

   A skeleton walks into a bar.He ordered a beer & a mop.

   I love the Internet. Back in the old days, we had no idea how many ignorant people there are out there. Now, we've got a datapoint.

   No more cigarettes at CVS. Sorry, smokers. Still shelves and shelves of candy though. Chin up, diabetics.

   Just farted myself out of a dead nap, so yeah, you could say I've got sexual dynamo on lockdown!

   Actually, when I asked if my hangover could get any worse, it was more of a rhetorical question than a challenge

   Nothing says I'm the boss while driving like the horn in a foreign car.

   I made a knock off Mcy D's Chicken ranch snack wrap. I threw it together in a hurry, used the nastiest lettce I could find, threw 1/2 of my chickn tender away, & then I closed my eyes & pickd a random condiment out of the fridge. Just like the real thing.

   Alot of people cry when they chop onions.. The trick is to not form an emotional bond.

   My 6 year old gave my 1 year old then run down on Halloween. She said, " When we get to the door you have to say trick-or-treat.. that means please in Halloween."

   I suck at creating endings in Essays.. "and they lived happily ever after" is over done, and apparently "seacreast out" is unacceptable.

   My boyfriend is such a treasure, I just want to bury him.

   Almost went to jail today, scared the crap out of me. I don't care who you are, monopoly can get pretty intense.