Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most people don't know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds

   Googling your symptoms when you don't feel well is the most efficient way to convince yourself that you're dying

   Tired of forgetting people's names as soon as they introduce themselves? Fix it by staying home and never meeting anyone new.

   On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.

   Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might actually just be thirsty. So have a few beers first and then see how you feel.

   I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.

   It's hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food and beer

   I bet Snowmen think it's weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.

   My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.

   It's amazing how many pedestrians confuse "right of way" with "immortality".

   When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.

   I saw a guy wearing a "World's Greatest Dad" shirt, so I killed him and took it. There can be only one.

   Sitting here watching the "Biggest Loser" season finale... uh, thought I would see the Broncos....

   Just watched my "Facebook movie" and realized that Facebook has no clue who I am.

   Everybody! Fast! I need to see your Facebook film! Please share with me!

   You should be able to pick a theme for your Facebook movie... Because some of you should need to pick drama...

   Your forehead is so big I bet when you dream, you dream movies.

   I really need to stop checking every five mins to see if my Facebook movie is on Rotten Tomatos yet.

   My Facebook movie is okay, but the book was better.

   I just deleted my bookmark to this horrible sh*thole. I am sure there are funnier places somewhere else on the net.