Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Throat grabbing is one of my signature moves. Although this chic taking my order at McDonald's right now doesn't seem all that into it.

   Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life's problems

   The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I'm writing this status from inside his trunk.

   Sometimes a status I have worked so hard on goes unnoticed and unliked. So I get it women who spent two hours getting ready and your boyfriend doesn’t even notice.

   I need to make some new Haters, the old ones are starting to like me!

   I hate it when people call me sexist. Some of my closest friends belong in the kitchen.

   Wanted to take the trash out tonight but she said she wasn't feeling well.

   A girl in yoga pants not talking on the phone. Hope she's ok.

   I would punch your personality if it was possible. But your face will do.

   Your wedding day will be the last time you agree on anything. When you both say "I do".

   Nothing turns me on more than a pic of your boobs with your wedding ring hand holding up your shirt.

   I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.

   I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

   Bought $90 worth of groceries and checker wanted to know if I needed a bag:( No, I'll just eat them here, thanks!

   If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you

   While chasing flies in my kitchen with a fly swatter, I have come to realise that some flies are more clever than some humans I know.

   If you have feelings for me, that's your problem not mine.

   Given the choice between a woman and weed… always choose the woman with a weed.

   Every time you make a typo the errorists win.

   You don't look as dumb as you sound though. At least you have that going on for you.