Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There’s no relationship problem that a good tickle fight can’t solve.

   I am in the best shape of my life! Thanks poverty.

   If it wasn't for me, my life would be pretty awesome.

   She's totally hot, dude! Trust me! - alcohol

   I call the other side of my bed the Passenger side. It only makes sense.

   When I said I was good in the kitchen, I assumed you meant being bent over the dishwasher.

   Don't forget: it's very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.

   Till - when we get bored with each other and what used to be cute now makes us feel homicidal rage - do us part

   Goals for 2014: 1) 2) 3) 4) Don't die

   Dear Liver: The holidays are almost over. Come on you can do this!

   I wish I loved anything as much as New Yorkers love to tell you they're from New York.

   20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area

   I'm a connoisseur of bad decisions.

   I just saw a huge and very intricate spider web downstairs, but I didn't see the spider...and if I can't locate this spider to take care of it I might actually be able to stay up to watch the ball drop tonight.

   I bet if Karl Marx had lived long enough to see Facebook he wouldn't have called religion the opiate of the masses.

   You show me Karl Marx's grave and I'll show you a Communist plot.

   If you're looking for an ambitious girlfriend, I'd like you to know that I love being on top.

   I love that part of a healthy relationship where you realize what a psychopath your ex was.

   The Germans gave us cars, The Russians gave us Vodka but The French... The French gave us threesome.

   Oops, sorry I bumped my clit against your nose