Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationships would probably be a lot more appealing if the only other option was getting hit by a bus.

   It’s cute how some people still believe in love and happily ever after.

   For a second there I thought I understood Spanish, but it was just the weed. False alarm.

   The more stupid people I meet, the more I understand serial killers and think they should be called serial problem solvers.

   Well, it's the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.

   Wow, woke up this morning and Al Gore's still right about global climate change, how about that?

   When one door closes another one opens. Or you could jut re-open the closed door. Because that's how doors work.

   Sarah Palin's new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

   Single people: If you're looking for someone 10+ years younger than you don't tell us about how you want someone that "respects" you...

   Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel,,, and misinterpret other peoples intent.

   *flips coin in Air* ... "heads I get out of bed, tails I don't"... *coin lands too far away*........... "well bed it is!"

   Do you know how much snow is too much snow to go to the liquor store?

   Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day... Give a man a poisonous fish and you'll feed him for the rest of his life

   Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!

   Tell your g/f "Flip a coin. Heads I get tail; tails I get head."

   If god told me tigers and lions didn't eat humans.........I probably would have one by now

   The more selfies she has, the more times you'll have to tell her she's pretty everyday.

   I apologize for shouting REMIX!!! during the vows at your second wedding.

   There's magic in the air and it's called Wifi.

   I don't know why I'm supposed to care about that guy the Pope. I'm not even J ewish.