Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tonight's the night ... You can tell because the sun's gone down!

   Kanye West compared being a rapper to BEING AT WAR ."This is like being a police officer or something or like war or something." "You're literally going out to do your job every day knowing that something could happen to you.".No Kanye being an idiot is!

   Antarctica wind chill today -135 below. Al Gore refuses to comment

   Imagine the first guy who built one of those big water fountains telling everyone: "I hear if you throw money in this, you can make a wish!"

   INSTANT HAPPINESS: Just add bacon...or sɇx...or enough money to buy bacon and sɇx.

   Holiday Tip #37: Eat asparagus around the holidays. If you're anything like me, the green combined with the red in the toilet lends itself to a wonderful bathroom holiday ambiance

   There’s now a song called Saturday by Rebecca Black. The silly ho is slowly trying to ruin all of the days of the week.

   I stopped wondering why I do the things I do a long time ago. Makes me feel dizzy.

   Besides yourself, which individual disappointed you the most in 2013?

   This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: "Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken."

   Never Choose ur Boyfriend/Girlfriend Over ur Best Friends.

   I like you. But I don't "let you out of my basement" like you. Hah because I love you.

   I know some ladies here who need to come out courageous nough and upload their non-edited pictures,,,feel safe...u'r cute..anyway

   Why can't the DEVIL jst swallow his pride & ask GOD for forgiveness so we can all go back to the garden of EDEN & live happily NAKED?

   I'm that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.

   I just told someone that I have to pee pee. It's hard toggling back and forth between being a parent and being a dude.

   I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.

   I owe my bookie $300.I bet on a fight before I realized it was Rocky 4. I did the same thing with Space Jam and Air Bud

   Music, Children, and Dogs: The world's three greatest anti-depressants.

   I'm having a make yourself at home party. Make yourself at home.. start cooking, cleaning and do my laundry. . .