Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't make me laugh it will come out my nose

   how are OCD ppl made? a German person gets with a British person to make a baby so the baby is "Germish"

   Oops I almost forgot its sunday today, thanks facebook friends for reminding me with your religious posts.

   Hmmm....my wife just left the house in a big hurry with her winged monkeys in hot pursuit. Someone is in trouble

   Go to the gym, else instagram will run out of business

   Today, I'm really gonna give it my nothing

   It takes me about 5 hours to fully wake up in the morning

   Unless your Christmas tree is electrocuting you, keep photos of that stupid sh*t to yourself.

   Just because I'm a woman DOES NOT mean I can't have dead hookers in my trunk too.

   All shoes are technically buy one get one free...

   Everybody is a victim in their own eyes...

   Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you

   Man I was so upset at my parents when they told me that Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove

   I tried to guilt my wife into a BJ by reminding her "Tis the season of giving". I hope she was joking when she said "I gave at the office".

   Most meteorologists are men. That's why when they say you're going to get 8-12 inches of snow, you really only end up getting 4-6 inches.

   Even though Kanye West DID NOT compare himself to Nelson Mandela, would it really surprise anyone if he actually had?

   At the 2010 Winter Olympics, I brought home the gold for smushing down the garbage so I don't have to bring it outside.

   ATTENTION: Miley Cyrus is worth MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. She probably doesn't care what we think of her.

   You wouldn't feel the need to talk about your beauty if you already know you are beautiful.

   I think I'll go shovel the "Global Warming" out of the driveway!