Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day...... Decisions like "Which of my children's toys is giving up its batteries for mommy's toy?"

   Tonight I think I'll start with beer then switch to vodka to maintain a well balanced depression.

   My participation in this meeting will be based solely on the snacks they provide.

   If you are in a strip club getting a lap dance, burn your jeans afterwards.

   'Money can't buy you happiness' - idiots and liars

   I'm so white that before I travel anywhere I find out where all the Starbucks are located.

   Do these yoga pants make me look like I want to have sex with you?

   "Get off of Facebook and put clothes on." Is a thing I had to tell myself just now.

   Why don't strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.

   Look at your hands, puppet master. Those strings are not attached to me. I dance for no one, except me.

   If you don't have younger siblings, you're really missing out on having an unpaid servant around you the whole time.

   Every time I go into my boss' office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.

   Stop fat and ugly women from climbing on bar tops. Prevent counter terrorism.

   The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about or why you're fighting

   Thanksgiving: "Let's give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let's get all new stuff” MERICA!!!

   Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread

   Before comedy how did people know women and men were different

   Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.

   Due to his anger issues, trigger finger and his apparent racial hatred...George Zimmerman had been asked by Law Enforcement to avoid all Black Friday events today.

   Black Friday. The day we buy a whole bunch of material goods to celebrate the birth of a man who didn't believe in material goods.