Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.

   In my will I am leaving everything to the imagination.

   I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.

   Guns don’t kill people, George Zimmerman kills people!

   I love following women who write inspirational tweets because, you know...chubby girls.

   I watched the Wizard of Oz last night and all I could think of was "so a house fell on your sister and all you care about are her shoes?".....Women

   90% of pregnancies result from a sexual encounter where the woman did not even climax.

   My husband is going out to play poker tonight. I think he's tired of gambling on getting laid at home and losing.

   She's a pig in the streets, but bacon in the sheets.

   You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps

   I have a non-profit business. It's not a charity, I'm just really bad with finances.

   I see your confidence and wit and raise you the skirt I have on.

   Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn't mean the camera they found is mine

   Thanksgiving is almost here.Dont forget to stock up your medicine cabinet with marbles, for all your sneaky relatives.

   I forgot my sweater today and now everyone can see how cold I am.

   Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...

   I remember the first time a friend said he was going to introduce me to a "dog person." I was bummed at the way it turned out.

   And so my friends, this week rings in the 2013 holiday season. Everyone can now begin the time tested, seasonal tradition of turning into complete lunatics.

   Alarm Clocks.....Making people "Rise and Whine" since its invention

   Derrick Rose?? More like Derrick Pansy...