Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can your tongue come out to play with my tongue?

   If you can't be a nice person then at least be really good looking.

   She said she wanted to talk so I let Jesus take the wheel and jump into traffic.

   You haven't lived until you've had an 80 year old white woman push past you at the liquor store and call you a "f aggot"

   Relationship status: managing to hold this girl's prosthetic hand on the train without her noticing yet.

   My signature sex move is "right click," "save as."

   I accidentally shot my wife on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.

   Just found a hole in my sock and now I'm worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.

   What idiot called it a "breast reduction" and not a "Tittercide"

   You know she loves you when she gets all clumsy when you're near and fumbles with the rape whistle

   I wanna be the one to make you scream, even if it is as you're running away.

   I knew it was over the moment I accidentally hit you with my car, then backed over you five more times and drove away.

   According to these court documents, the way to a woman's heart isn't through her bedroom window.

   My Wife was reading the newspaper this morning and yelled "Honey, the sales add says the dealership will make it easy to get a new car for your spouse this weekend!"..... Me: "Actually that sounds like a pretty good trade."

   Arriving 5mins after the liquor store closed has taught me all I need to know about why people inexplicably jump in front of freight trains.

   I've single handedly defeated my erection.

   When she says, "No its fine, I'll just go by myself". That's pretty much the figure four leg lock of passive aggressive behavior.

   My tombstone will just say DIED HORNY.

   A creditor called, but I told her that Jesus already paid my debt when he died on the cross, then hung up. Read the Bible, b*tch.

   If you can't open that bottle of pickles for your girl like a real man then just smash it over your face and look crazy B*tches love crazy