Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?

   Before you judge me for being drunk at 2:30PM on my day off, stumble a few blocks to another bar in my shoes.

   Nothing for the spank bank at the gym today. Did have a few eat less motivators, though.

   Women have designer purses because they need something stylish to carry their crazy in.

   I've read the final chapter, God wins....

   I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful

   Even though I finished my test first, I wait for someone else to get up...

   There is a special place in Hell for those that just go down the list dis-lyking evrything

   On this night 30 years ago, I found out that wrecking on roller skates while wearing parachute pants was no bueno.

   I have two choices:God gave us a brain. Do I perform the Hiemlich Manuever or should you just stand there and look stupid?.........Science: -10, Religion: 1

   You know it's November when 250 different programs about JFK assassination air on television..

   You know all those things you've wanted to do....you should do them!

   I'm getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.

   I just found out my mother-in-law is going to be staying with us for the Thanksgiving Weekend. Well, it looks like I have to clean out the hall closet again.....she is going to need somewhere to hang upside down and sleep

   The last time I visited a gym , a white guy was the President..

   - Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.

   It's not my fault my kids turned out like they did. I was never around!

   People got 20/20 vision to YOUR problems but be Ray Charles to they own bullsh*t.

   I'm black, but not "free Pookie even though I know he robbed that store" black.

   I'm at my most interracial when I'm blasting Maroon 5 from my headphones and sagging my pants.