Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Golden words by a wise man:"If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can't even change a TV channel..."

   I could amaze you with the things I don't know and terrify you with the things I do

   People are always worrying about getting gray hair. But actuall gray hair is pretty cool. Just ask any guy that's bald.

   I may not have grown old gracefully, but having a woman who still loves me has helped me to grow old gratefully.

   Some of the happiest years of a woman's life are when she's 29.

   Anyone who wants to be successful in old age has to start young.

   I've been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree

   Evaluate the people in your life; Then promote, demote or terminate! You're the CEO of your life....

   I never knew true happiness until I got married. But by then it was too late

   A guy walked into a Psychiatrist's office wearing clear plastic pants. He said, "Doc, what's wrong with me?" The doctor looked at him and said, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

   The Thunder God went for a ride Upon his favorite philly. "I'm Thor!", he cried. The horse replied, "You forgot your thaddle, thilly!"

   When you’re about to quit, remember why you started, Unless its alcohol

   In honor of 11/12/13..... I will buy beer for any 11, 12 and 13 year olds that ask me.

   If you are down and depressed and don't know what to do, just remember, Nationwide is on your side.

   Admit it. You're secretly hoping Samuel L. Jackson flips out and drops the "F-Bomb" on those Capitol One commercials.

   Alright, it's gonna be a mild fall! Aaaaaaand it's snowing.

   I got into a huge blow up with my wife last night because she took a shortcut and beat me in Mario Kart. She has never done this before. Another man taught her that. I KNOW IT!

   You're a party girl until your looks deteriorate. Then you're just a drug addict.

   I'm sorry if I was rude to you earlier. I honestly thought you were the ugly one in your profile picture.

   The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered shît without pickles in it.