Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My relationships are like fat girls. They NEVER workout.

   I only understand like 19% of life!

   Facebook and writing (like journaling) are a poor man's therapy.

   Nothing honors our Vetrans more than buying a mattress on sale.

   there ever a day when mattresses AREN'T on sale?

   Tell her she is beautiful instead of hot. She is a woman, not a temperature.

   Fish tanks are supposed to be soothing? My fish have seen me naked! I think my fish need a fish tank in their fish tank.

   If God wanted me to be a vegetarian He would have made plants taste like meat.

   You would think there would be at least one extraterrestrial in a Miss Universe contest.

   Humor and sexual frustration are what keep Facebook a well-oiled machine.

   My dream girl would lovingly push me in a shopping cart through the liquor aisle.

   Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.

   If my mother knew how many potential grandchildren I swallowed I wonder if she'd be proud or appalled.

   if you want to memorialize a veteran, you should kick a politician in their genitals. .

   Alright Monday what kind of bullsh*t you got for me this time.

   If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted I wish I had a puppy

   to honor thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning

   It's actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she's not around to have it.

   I want to hold you till the end of time. Or until I have to pee. Or whichever comes first.

   Welcome to another day of loneliness brought to you by years of pushing people away.