Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.

   The secret to life is to always do whatever's next.

   Wouldn’t it be great if people could only get AIDS from being a Politician who screws with the economy and causes a Government Shutdown?

   This is gonna date me, but I remember when people used turn signals to notify other drivers of their intentions.

   A recent study determined the number one reason couples divorce is marriage. . .

   Oh...Jehovah Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween they say. I guess they don't appreciate random stangers coming to their front door.

   Of course I'll attend your no alcohol, vegetarian Halloween party tonight. I'll be dressed as the Invisible Man.

   FYI I will be handing out 1 oz Bottles of "spirits" tonight to keep them kiddies warm

   Halloween is my favorite night of the year because we are all guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

   I will just take one bong hit with breakfast, chill out for a while, then get some things done. Aaaand I'm not getting off of the couch today.

   Just finished putting the Ex-Lax in the candy

   For Americans, next Tuesday is election day. For some Japanese-Americans, it will be "erection day."

   I just drove by the local high school. It appears all the girls dressed up as sluts today...

   5 blocks and no one has given me any candy, this is going to be a long day..

   Tomorrow is National Half Priced Candy Corn Day

   Sexually molesting the wall while looking for the light switch.

   If the power of the mind is so strong,why cant it clean my house while I sit here and think hard about it.

   I'm just doing my thing, which is kinda like your thing, but better.

   You know when you have a good mum when they let you lick the sticks to the mixer but you know you have a great mum when she turns the mixer off before you lick!!!!!

   I can't relate to people who "forget to eat"