Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be careful! Fox News reported that 30,000 people have died trying to sign up for Obamacare!

   When I see a Scion in my rearview mirror I always pull over and let it pass so no one's late to the Hoobastank concert.

   "When there are 700+ customers in the store, all but one cashier must go home."

   PRO Halloween money saving tip, put an empty bucket on your front porch with a sign that reads "Take One"

   If your man keeps cheating on you with the same woman, humble yourself and go ask her for advice.

   Jehovah's witness evangelizing to a Chinese guy. Jehovah's witness - Asks " Do you know Jesus?" Chinese Guy - Answers "No, but ifi you gifi sample I make for u!"

   My wife and I have one in common; neither of us respect me.

   Snooki cried so hard when she got kicked off of Dancing With The Stars. It wasnt cuz she lost or anything like that, its cuz she realize she is going to be broke for halloween

   My life is like a romantic comedy expect there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes

   A recent study determined the #1 reason couples divorce is because women are f#$%ing crazy!!

   Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson.

   My girlfriend is so dumb. It's just me and her alone in the living room and she turns around and says "who's farted"

   Lady GaGa had no idea what she was doing when she asked R. Kelly to "do what you want with my body"... Psssssssss

   Oh Nothing. Just over here choking on dinner, fighting death like it's my job.

   Excuse me... Tell me more about this mythical corner, around which fudge is made.

   Why aren't we letting blind people think that dragons are real?

   Fu*k all of that Hump Day bullsh*t and stay the hell out of my way cause I hereby designate this Wednesday as five finger death punch day.

   What's with all these Anti-Bullying campaigns? Do kids nowadays not know how to join gangs anymore?!!

   You say," If your man keeps cheating on you with the same woman, humble yourself and go ask her for advice. "There's no advice; he's greedy not needy.

   One day there's gonna be a huge memorial dedicated to the people who sacrificed their lives to sit at a computer for the majority of their existence