Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The real reason I'm not a superhero.... Pockets,I need my pockets.

   Avon stocks have lost 11% of their value this year. Apparently they are under investigation for allegedly bribing foreign officials. Well it looks like no more free lipstick and panties for Kim Jong-Un.

   Chris Brown has recently entered Rehab for anger management issues. I for one have faith in Chris. He has never faced anything that he couldn’t beat.

   Australia's highest court just denied worker's compensation to a bureaucrat who was injured while having sex during a business trip. When asked about the decision, the female employee said “Once again I got screwed".

   When I was younger I went through a lot of bad relationships. I’m ashamed to admit more than once I’ve let a fool kiss me, and more than once I’ve let a kiss fool me.

   Now that I’m over the hill, I’m happy to report I can still do all the things could do when I was in my 20’s. … well, at least the things I can remember.

   Our friends don’t understand our obsession with trying to write clever, original status updates to post online... They wonder why we don’t just copy and paste our status updates like everyone else does.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm sorry I "accidentally" put it in your butt.

   Stop, drop and roll won't work in hell.

   If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?

   Why do married people hate seeing happy single people? Please stop trying to fix me up with your friends.

   Decaf coffee is like a hooker that only wants to cuddle.

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((

   According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it's simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.

   The answer to the giraffe riddle is EYES.

   Taking the road less traveled will get you murdered by hitchhikers. Lets be smart, people

   Once this girl I liked told me I looked like Ted Bundy and I didn't know if I was supposed to ask her out or kill her or what.

   The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.

   Ghosts don't seem as scary when you remember that a lot of 'em have names like Jeff or Becky.

   I grew up poor in the 80's. My whole family had to share one headband.