Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible

   Clark Kent’s mask is a pair of glasses? And no one recognised him? I wore glasses to the job I was fired from and I was still kicked out.

   Why do rappers boast about their flow? I thought all women hated periods? Plus telling every one about it is very unlady like, 2 Chainz.

   One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

   If she gets up and goes and makes you a sandwich after sex. You're not doing it right

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?... Me: Pfft,,, I could think of like fifty reasons,, I’m not falling for that.

   *buys Sushi for Dummies*.. *preheats oven*.. *reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*.. *turns off oven*

   an 18 years old girl is like a good carpenter; no wood get wasted.

   There is nothing like listening to Led Zeppelin to drown out the Jonas Brothers break up. . .

   I'm at that stage in life where I have to choose between getting loved or getting laid. Tough!

   Whenever I check into a hotel with my girlfriend, I check the one with a beauitiful ceiling because we like taking turns as to who stares at the ceiling.

   NB: I am not a Giraffe. Not because I'm a boring fart who won't play, but because I am a smart fart who got it right

   today was a female canine kind of a day!

   looked for all of my friends on Facebook and they've all turned into GIRAFFES!

   Giraffe neck with a Grumpy Cat head - funniest one I've seen so far!

   I have met many people who had no clothes.....and I have met a lot of clothes, inside of which there were no people.....

   So Wake me up when I am Sober, When I'm not so drunk and so hungover. This Entire time I didn't know I was getting so tore up. This entire time I didn't know I was getting this f**ked up... I didn't know, I didn't know!..." ♫

   How do you recognize mature women?! They wear more reasonable shoes. :)

   Let's have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.

   FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.