Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look, Twinkies, I'm with Little Debbie Cloud Cakes now,,, and I won't let you hurt me again.

   Even though Halloween is meant to be about dressing up as scary evil monsters, people still complain if you go as Hitler

   Criminal Tip: Buy a gun from a guy off the streets. As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back........Free gun.

   If I was a rat,,, I wouldn't give anyone my ass.

   I once had a dream I was eating the world's worst tasing chocolate pudding...I woke up with a spoon in my ass.

   I had a dream I was reading fun ny sta tuses, I woke up and there weren't any here anymore..... just recycled rubbish!

   Facebook: "Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?" Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.

   Must be giraffe hunting season or something ....

   I don't think it matters if a person is right-handed or left-handed, as long as they aren't under-handed.

   Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming

   Hmm,,, Voyager1 is 8.2 billion Miles from Earth & continues to send readings back to us.. and I can't get cellphone reception in my livingroom?

   If you say the word "gullible" over and over really fast,, it sounds like your actually saying 'oranges'

   Thought I had a political tweet but it ended up being gas

   TV show idea! We just air a live feed of old people using a smart phone for the first time.. We can call it "Where are the buttons?"

   BTW: Is someone writing these down?... (my grandmother, after reading my status updates)

   I'm glad cheese doesn't know what's about to happen to it when I show up.

   A boy was being mean to my 6 year old daughter yesterday, so she punched him in the eye... Was ice cream the correct punishment?

   So former NFL quarterback Brett Favre admitted this week that he suffers from memory loss. This might explain why he may have sent pictures and lewd texts to reporter Jen Sterger when he played for the Jets, he forgot he was married!

   Breaking news: Barack Obama Unaware He Was Elected President. “I never knew & nobody told me” said Obama.......

   One more reason that beer is good for you is that it's easier for your body to process than most other beverages. This is because it doesn't have to stop to change color.