Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry Charlie Brown, but your mother is dead.... Turns out, she had a trombone lodged in her throat and eventually just suffocated to death

   It:always Halloween at your house with all those skeletons in your closet.

   Canada: "hey America, catch!"... *throws Justin Bieber at US*..."No give backs"... *Canada runs away giggling*

   The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue,,, This court finds you guilty, So I'm jailing you..... (poetic justice)

   Sea salt is healthier only because it gets stuck in the holes of the shaker and you can't actually put it on your food.

   Pharmacists should stuff every third prescription bottle with one of those snakes that pops out at you... cuz laughter is the best medicine.

   The difference between bison and buffalo is simple... The ones that have useless little wings are buffalo.

   I like to hold my wifes head under the covers and loudly exclaim"Release The Kraken".....then loudly fart

   I was going to make one of those Bitstrips cartoons, but then I decided to pick the lint out of my belly button instead. I'm pretty sure I came out ahead ツ

   Be thankful for who you are, because there might be someone out there who wishes to be you.

   Rejected Yankee Candle Scents: • Taco • Halibut with Lime • Garden Croc • Macy's credit card • Carbon credits

   Facebook is the perfect tool for keeping in touch with people that you lost touch with for very good reasons.

   The gotye concert was amazing. kept playing "Somebody That I Used To Know" over & over. Easy to go to the bathroom, concessions.. Would recommend

   My sense of humor has been described as,,, "please stop" and "you're ruining dinner"

   BREAKING: DNA evidence clears curiosity, cat murderer still at large.

   Yes, a Catholic school girl uniform will attract attention. But I don't think that is the look you want. Sir.

   If you want guys to get involved in causes, give them some motivation.... "This year's united way 5k includes a BJ from a stripper"

   It's so cold out that politicians have their hands in their own pockets for a change!

   I still stand by my "always judge a man by his neck tattoos" theory.