Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care how expensive your hair is, just don't get mad when I pull it off when were having sex

   Wedding anniversaries are meant to celebrate the number of years a couple has been married, not how long they've been happy

   Marriage? If I wanted to share a room with someone I'm not having sex with I'd have gone back to high-school!

   It's none of my business whether you wear a weave or not. I only care when we have sex & it tries to strangle me when I'm asleep

   I've really never been able to walk the walk or talk the talk, but if you need someone to drink the drink, I might be just the one you're looking for..

   WTF Levi's? 36" fall off. 35" sqeeze me in half. It's one damn inch!!

   this year for halloween I'm passing out chocolate laxatives

   Boss: You're on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.

   "Tampa Bay, you're on the clock" - 2014 NFL Draft very first words.

   Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.

   Saudi Arabia is now threatening to sever diplomatic ties with the United States over Syria. I hope that doesn't cause them to do something drastic, you know, like overcharge us for oil.

   A new survey found that 25 percent of Americans will spend less on Halloween this year because of the government shutdown's effect on the economy. Which explains that new party game — “Bobbing for Ramen Noodles.”

   I don’t trust people who smile at 8AM on Mondays…

   Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.

   Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.

   Kim, Kourtney and Khloe. The only KKK that will let bIack guys inside them.

   WHATS THE NAME OF THE SHOW WHERE THEY CATCH CRABS " JERSEY SHORE"

   How we man wake up in the morning. Brain: Oh Fu&k. Body: Dont get up. Dic&: This is SPARTA..

   Teach your kids about taxes and social security by taking 30% of their Halloween candy and promising to give part of back in 70 Years..

   If tomorrow, women woke up and decided they really liked their bodies, just think how many industries would go out of business..