Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went out clubbing last night. I got 12 baby seals; a new personal best.

   Remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Bucket". It consists of nothing but chicken crap.

   Nothing makes an 80 year old Grandma from St. Louis cuss like two ballplayers in a World Series Game who simply watch an easy to catch pop fly simply fall to the ground.

   I accidently clicked on a picture of Miley Cyrus twerking......and now I think I have an STD

   •*´¨`*•.¸¸¸.•*´¨`*• ¸.·´¯`·.¸¸><((((º>

   Here's an idea....maybe Obama can grow a beard until the Obamacare website works

   Are the Red Sox supposed to be Amish metrosexuals for Halloween?

   The most enjoyable form of the "50 Shades of Grey" is the Braille edition.

   Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.

   I don't need a president in charge of my gall bladder...

   If he doesn't grab your hips and pretend to bone when you bend over for something, it's not love. Or he's mature and well... boring.

   After much experience paying bank overdraft fees, I have come to believe it can't be mere coincidence that all the letters found in "Debit Card" can be rearranged to spell "baD Credit"...

   Wait til last minute to buy Christmas presents for the elderly, could save you lots of money..

   As the proud parents of a high school senior, my wife and I want our son to be successful and have all the things we couldn't ever afford. Then we want to move in with him.

   After our breakup, my ex once begged me over and over again to go out, or as my lawyer called it "Violating a Protection Order"

   AD/HD HGHWAY TO ....hey look , a squirrel

   Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.

   My son's away at college...... So I peeked in his room,. "Oh my God" Now the City Landfill keeps calling they want their reputation back.

   From leading mobile phone company to leading mobile app company.. #BlackBerry

   when the movie "cloudy with a chance of meatballs"premiered in China did they call it "raining cats and dogs"?