Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am the type of person who would find having super powers a real hassle

   I'd love to see the headlines if the day ever came that Arnold Schwarzenegger was diagnosed with a tumor.

   BBM = another attention seeking part of social media where ppl follow and not talk to eachother!

   I once masturbated to a nude pic of Kim Kadarshian and caught herpes.

   I finally figured out the answer to that old chicken and the egg

   I finally figured out the answer to that old chicken and the egg question...the rooster.

   The best thing about "Freedom of Speech" is that everyone can openly express their Religious and Political views. The worst thing about "Freedom of Speech" is that everyone can openly express their Religious and Political views.

   Life has handed me a lot of things. Except lemons. The great mystery of life for me has not been "Why are we here?" or "What is my purpose?". Actually I'd be happy just finding out where exactly the free lemon line is.

   In my younger days I was proud to be on a "first name basis" with everyone at my job. But now as I approach retirement age I find myself to be on more of a "forgotten name basis" with my coworkers.

   Just because nobody gets you doesn't make you an Artist........it kinda makes you a doofus

   The popularity of Congress is at an all-time low, according to a recent poll that says Americans like head lice more than they like Congress. But you know, I think the real story here is that some Americans like head lice.

   Why yes, I would like to meet sluts in my area. Thanks for asking Adriana!

   How soon after eating lunch is it ok to eat lunch again?

   Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese."... Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

   How many selfies does it take to fill the emotional blackhole in a person's life?

   If the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence, it could be because that's where the septic tank is.

   Healthcare.gov got 99 problems and glitches are all of them...

   It's funny how Facebook will suspend me for 30 days if I send out friend requests to people they constantly suggest to me, but it's ok for them to bombard the right side of my page with scantily clad women in my area who supposedly want to date me!

   According to Facebook, Jackie Chan has died 486 times. I must admit that is a rather incredible stunt...

   Twerking and selfie have been officially added to the dictionary. Future and Optimism have been removed.