Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

   The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

   Fun fact: the person who said "If you love something let it go" died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

   Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

   Life is like a box of condoms. If you don't use one, you never know what you're goin get.

   Please specify orientation ?heterosexual ?bisexual ?homosexual ?asexual ?metrosexual ?getnosexual?

   Why do I have to play 20 questions with the gas pump, before I can pump my gas?

   Life is weird. First you wanna grow up, then you wanna be a kid again.

   Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out.

   People who have more than 10 items in the express line… Well Fu#k you to

   Hearing “I miss you” from the right person is a great feeling.

   Do you want to be right or happy?

   Skinny jeans should not have pockets.

   Just imgine if we've all met somewhere as a reunion of years together providing funny.... thanks for the fun times guys and gals!!

   Xmas Shopping List: iPad Air ✓ MacPro ✓ PS4✓ Broke✓

   Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don't know. Inspirational statuses are hard

   Take advantage of being a woman by bursting into tears during any sort of intense negotiations.

   I don't simply have problems like people often talk about. I just date or marry them.

   I have never met a US Congressman I didn't find completely honest and extremely intelligent. However I may need to add I have never met a US Congressman.

   Whenever someone says "This day couldn't get any worse" I set them on fire & ask "Are you sure?"