Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you assume all people are crazy, the mystery of life would be solved.

   How come whitening toothpaste doesn't turn your tounge white?

   Personal Foul......Holding.......and Unsportsmanlike Conduct Sorry I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."

   gaining weight when you are still owing me money is a sign of disrespect

   How about A public washroom so nice,, that you don't have to flush the toilet with your foot.

   Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.

   My dad's TV volume is always set at "screw the neighbors".

   Dear Airlines,,, We never REALLY tirned our phones off anyhow...................Signed,, EVERYONE

   My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.

   Man if I don't get my ex back today thisis the 742nd last straw!

   Men, women don't want to hear your opinion. They want to hear their opinion.....in a deeper voice.

   My Doctor tried telling me I'm suffering from a split personality, I told him he was incorrect, as we're both just fine.

   Why do all the women who intrigue me always live too far away and with their boyfriends and husbands?

   Your girlfriend could be in the jaws of a shark and just because she's mad at you she'll say "I'm fine"

   I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.

   I always assume girls who wear ponytails love sucking d*ck. (I assume the same about guys with ponytails as well)

   Fat Girls are good for two things. Heat in the cold and shade in the heat

   Dear teachers, we appreciate all you do but for 12 years of public schooling, all I heard was about how low teacher pay was. Maybe you weren't paying attention...

   Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long for fat people.

   Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends' profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I'm jelly" "sexy much?!"