Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My birthday is coming up and I'm mostly just anxious about all the people on facebook who are about to pretend to like me.

   Honey, I let myself go and gained all this weight to prevent other men from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

   Choose your ex wisely, they’ll be there for the rest of your life.

   To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.

   Only thing that's truly secular in the world is stupidity. It's found across all religion without fail.

   True friendship is when you walk into their house and your wifi connects automatically ;)

   Like if you have a healthy mind, unlike if you don't.

   I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it's not arrived yet

   These kids on MasterChef Junior are incredible! I think I'm creative when I add lettuce and tomato to a sandwich.

   Just finished charging my iPhone. Lets see how long the battery la

   I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

   I wonder If butterflies get humans in their belly????

   If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.

   Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ''Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?''

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.

   If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes

   A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I'm wrong.

   According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

   Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.

   'LSD makes users lose weight' That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.