Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just burnt my mouth on a slice of pizza and now I totally understand what betrayal feels like.

   “That’s my jam” - Something my neighbour says when she’s in my kitchen.

   Sometimes I'll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.

   Her yoga instructor is the only person who can get away with telling my girlfriend to relax.

   I love gas stations that sell fireworks, that's like prostitutes that sell rope and shovels

   Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

   You're not the sharpest knife in my back.

   My girlfriend caught the bouquet at a wedding and now we hardly have sex.

   I dont understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I'm trusting you with my money, you should at least trust me with your damn pens!"

   A lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and a lady in the basement and a lady in the shed. This crime scene is awful

   Women don't like women that look like women you used to date.

   Two antennas meet on a rooftop, fall in love, get married....The wedding wasn't much but the reception was great!

   I wonder if girls walk around and think "Oh ya, he wants the V"

   I sent the wrong texts to the wrong people. Now my wife thinks that I'm going to f*ck her and my girlfriend thinks that I have to work late.

   She had me at "I want the D tonight!" But lost me moments later when she said "Dominos pizza that is."

   I lost 50 lbs of ugly fat with photoshop.

   "Shall I compare thee to a summer's eve? For thou art a douche." -W. Shakespeare, Sonnet #18, First draft

   I see where Timbaland is getting divorced. I guess it really was "Too late to Apologize"

   When I do the robot dance, I want to make it clear through my movements that I have been programmed and I do not possess free will.

   Sorry I sneezed cocaine on your baby.