Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yeah I used to be a people person but then people went & F#%ked that all up :l

   Gone are the days when journalism was just about sharing information and not about sharing personal opinions, prejudice, bias and judgment.

   Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.

   Those who don't know me think I'm on drugs. Those who do think I should be.

   They told me at work I was selected for a random drug test. I said "Oh Boy! Which ones to I get to test?!" Not smart. Not smart at all.

   I'm having a bad day. Screw you → you ↑ you ↗ you ↓ oh, and you ↘.

   Ok peeps, I had a chat with Zuckerberg and convinced him to keep Facebook free. You are welcome.

   Ladies, if you've been called a c*nt by 3 or more people, you're a c*nt...

   Ladies Does your man tune you out? Tell him you're a week late, he'll listen to everything you have to say.

   It's 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?

   I just saw 30 seconds of Glee and now I'm gay. Send glitter.

   If I had to describe myself in 3 words... I don't know.

   just wrote down all the cars I ever owned ........Now I have a bucket list

   If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, send them all their stuff they left at your place.

   Ladies: Next time you shake a man's hand just remember you're really shaking his d*ck's best friend.

   If you love someone, set her free. If she doesn't come back, start dating her best friend.

   Relationship Status: Cutting your brake lines.

   ♫ Old Macdonald abused his sheep, R.S.P.C.A ♫

   I just saw a donkey use the zebra crossing to cross the road. What a smart ass!

   Get married they said, it will be a blessing they said, wives are psychos they never said.