Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: If your EBT Card is denied... just take out your ObamaPhone and call him.

   Just watched a guy in a shirt that read "Jedi I am" trip on a curb and fall. Jedi you are not sir

   The hardest thing in the world to understand is NOT women, its income tax

   Sharks and children, both can sense fear and weakness.

   We cried of bad leaders. We had a chance to make the right decision. Now deal with the consequences.

   Does a piece of sh*t know it's a piece of sh*t or does it think it's awesome?

   Turning on someone's seat warmer in the car without them knowing is a good way to have them think they're peeing their pants for a minute.

   Home is where your neighbors see you walk around with no pants on.

   G ay squirrels probably never know if their buddies are talking about sex or food.

   While installing a program, when it asks many time, "Are you sure?"Well now I'm not sure! :))

   Dudes with your Chihuahua on a leash HOW DO YOU KEEP THAT BEAST AT BAY???

   Hey chubby shirtless guy with the pierced nipples at the kids' soccer game. Nope.

   The best part about Crocs is you can wear them in the bathtub while you write the note then drop in the toaster.

   But your honor, she used mild cheddar cheese to make nachos

   If you won't wear a chef's hat while pleasuring me orally, I don't see this relationship going anywhere

   If John has 100 pieces of bacon, and he eats 20, what does John have? Happiness. John has happiness.

   And on the sixth day satan created algebra.

   a wise man knows the rules but a wiser man knows the exceptions.

   If you watch the movie Flashdance backwards, it's about a girl who made it into a ballet company but decided to be a Welder by day and Dancer/stripper by night.

   What do frozen beer, burnt pizza and a pregnant girl have in common? Some idiot didn't take it out in time.