Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need to start dressing for the job I want, not the job I have........... *puts on Jedi outfit and waits patiently*

   Woah there treadmill,,, I can't scroll posts, or reach the Burrito in the cupholder next to the ashtray at that speed.

   Forget Morgan Freeman, I'd pay a king's ransom for an app. that would have Christopher Walken's voice read posts.

   It turns out that an unlimited charge card is the the easiest way to find the G-spot.

   Day 4 of shut-down: As long as nobody lists the U.S. on eBay and let Canada or North korea buy us..... We should be fine.

   Everytime this post is liked,, a Member of Congress gets kicked in the genitals.

   Can you change the ugly foot there on the right > with the fungus on it from adchoice> > > >

   *Doctor enters room*.."I'm going to be blunt with you".. *whips out a huge joint*.."Let's light-up".. Nice.."BTW, you've got epilepsy".. Nice

   I wish there was a kick under table for people who share their embarrassing photos and staff on Internet.

   Her insomnia was so bad; she couldn't sleep during office hours. :))

   They should invent an alarm clock that if I press snooze more than three times, it automatically shouts out, “You’ve made a fool of me and yourself.” :))

   I found the G spot. It's at the end of "shopping."

   I've watched pretty woman about 3 times tonight.Note to self hookers get millionares.

   Dear Straight People: Take Justin Bieber back. We don't want him either. -G@y People

   Calm down check out guy, you don't have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn't be in Quickie Mart.

   I hate when my customers send angry emails to my boss just because I answered all of their questions with "Google it, f*ckface."

   All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don't get into relationships.

   Scooby Doo taught us that the real monsters are humans.

   Furlough 5k Fun Run......It will be fun... When you finished the race you get sent home with nothing ...

   I heard the Buffalo Bills are selling a new item.....Player numbered hospital gowns.....