Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mike Tyson old and frail enough to let him know the tattoo on his face looks stupid? No? Not yet? Hey Mike you rocked in the Hangover

   Pro tip:When women want to be held, hold em When they're sad, love em When they're drunk, try for butthole. It's easier when they're drunk

   Big or small, thick or thin, Vaseline will grt it in...

   I don't even bother to look in the mirror anymore. If I do than I'll see that I should probably shave. . .

   Whose going to the republican victory party at midnight?

   I have yet to see a woman who became more beautiful because she got a tattoo.

   Obamacare: Emergency Room Physicians have weighed in... "Stop sticking things up your butt... Don't tell me you sat on a toy fire truck!"

   Someone give Green Day a nudge...it's October tomorrow....

   Good thing my drug dealer delivers rain, sleet or government shutdown......

   Will be taking part in the looting and anarchy that's sure to come with tonight's government shutdown......

   Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.

   Busting your a$$ is not covered by Obamacare... don't risk it people...

   Government shutdown...is that a threat or a promise?

   If the government shuts down, does that mean all of the politicians have to get real jobs?

   On a dark desert highway,,, cool whip in my hair...

   I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels, I call them my friends. . .

   Damn it!! I wish I had some fireworks for the government shutdown tonight.....

   Can't the gov't just call in Jon Taffer and do this shutdown thing right?

   The first thing you should do if attacked by a grizzly bear is $hit your pants...okay, it wont help but you may as well make $hitting your pants the first thing to do because that is what's going to happen anyway.

   No matter what happens, you can always count on your family. Unless you go on a killing spree...