Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we'd had texting 20 years ago, me and my buddies conversations would be pretty much the same as today...

   Thank you, True Crime, for sayingthat was a reenactment. I was prettyupset your camera person didn’tstop that murder.

   Does this silence make me look antisocial?

   Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.

   Just when I think I'm over my insomnia, people in church start singing.

   Nicolas Cage must be hibernating. Thank god.

   A clown wanted to buy my car but never got back to me after I told him "Serious Offers only".

   Does this insecurity make me look fat?

   Obama going to completely ignore the release of the iPhone 5S?

   Stop playing the victim. That’s not even a real instrument.

   What's the difference between brown nosing and kissing ass? ...depth perception.

   I bet the first junkies that signed up for instagram must have been disappointed !

   I am tired of being treated as a perfect piece of meat by woman. I am so tired of them only seeing the perfect man with unbelievable flawless features .......Try talking for once , bet you didn't even know I used to have a goldfish

   The hardest part of your path is knowing when to realize that your struggle has already left you and you now need to let go of it and move on !

   When I was a kid I would have a recurring nightmare of been in public without pants . Now I realize that my subconscious was.just preparing me for college !

   My parents while naming me must have thought "lets give him a name which will make a strong password and no one can guess

   Dear Abby My husband underwent a psych evaluation at work It said he was a compulsive eater. Should I be worried? He's a gynecologist

   Bestiality is okay for religious people because they're sheep anyway.

   The only things that should be fat are your pockets.

   Show me a lot of cleavage, and I'll foget you in a minute. Show me a hint of cleavage, and you'll be on my mind all day..