Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wearing a T-Shirt with "Let's talk about God" on it always guarantees me a seat to myself on the train.

   I'm not just handsome. I'm Photoshop handsome.

   You can't be poor and ugly. Choose one struggle.

   Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away

   Clapping is just your right hand beating the sh*t out of your left hand to show that you appreciated something.

   My girlfriend told me she bought a really sexy dress just for me. I'm planning on wearing it on Friday.

   I don't hate you, but I hope you want an iPhone for christmas and you get the 5c.

   Give a man a fish, he will eat. Give a man religion, he will serve praying for a fish to eat.

   I wanna open a store where you can touch expensive things you'll never afford and call it "Feel Free".

   I'm more comfortable with animals than humans. Animals understand love clearly. Love a human and they misconstrue it a thousand ways.

   Wow, Lil Wayne's now on Paris Hilton's new song. Those tear drop tattoos should be real tears, Weezy.

   Whew, that salad filled me up-said no real man EVER

   I'm trying to think of a really good Miley Cyrus joke but it's not twearking

   I've got the body of a 21 year old,, but I have to give it back cuz I'm getting it wrinkled

   Never get your panties in a bunch... The good quality ones are sold individually.

   Just kicked a "the book was better" dude square in the nuts.

   The sky is the limit unless you understand science.

   says so I told the teaching lady that the only letters of the alphabet I need to learn are you S and A!

   Hwy renters get up and do something to make a difference then! Your rants aren't enough!!!

   Even Vince McMahon thinks nascar races are fake...