Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After the VMAs people everywhere are saying that Miley Cyrus is the most talentless, disappointing girl in the music industry... I'm sorry, but please don't take that title away from Justin Bieber..

   Just read a sign that says "Watch for Deer" and I was like "No, I don't take orders from a sign." Hahaha... No but seriously, it's been like 16 hours and I haven't seen anything.

   If you are a dog catcher and don't have a "pug life" tattoo you are doing the whole life thing wrong.

   I wonder how long it will take for the Adult XXX 'Hannah does Montana' video series to come out?

   Lamar Odom is missing and is a crackhead. Let that be a lesson guys, NEVER date a Kardashian.

   Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I'm now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.

   Kanye should’ve interrupted Miley’s performance to say that Beyonce’s ass would look better in those shorts.

   If it takes more than a restraining order to keep you away, lets get married because devotion like that is rare.

   Not to brag or anything, but my bank balance is over $100k (the k is silent).

   I'm way way way more concerned about the adults still writing think-pieces today on Miley Cyrus than Miley Cyrus.

   Chips have little nutritional value. That's why you need to eat the whole bag.

   Send a SEAL team into the militant's barracks at night, scatter legos and matchbox cars on the floor, pull the fire alarm and unleash a weapon of mass distruction more powerful than the world has ever seen before. Syrian conflict solved!

   If I was The Bachelor we'd all play Mario Kart for 8 weeks, then I'd pick the one with the biggest boobs

   she said she was not comfortable watching me masturbate. So I told her to take a different bus.

   Scientists officially confirm the discovery of Element 115. Great, now I'm going to have to get my Periodic Table tattoo redone.

   Maybe we should just call her ''Horny Montana''

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.

   There's hungry and there's hungry enough to eat microwaved french fries hungry...

   If you like my girl and you richer than me then we can share her it's really not that serious

   Nice night for a swim...in a pool of vodka and bad decisions.