Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you ever stop to think that maybe broccoli doesn't like *you* either?

   My family was so poor when I was growing up that if I hadn't been a boy, I wouldn't have had ANYTHING to play with.

   Fat chicks always wanna say "Let me sit on your face". B*tch thats premeditated murder.

   Fat women invented the Blind Date to trick men into having to give them a free meal.

   She is your girl too? Oh man we are on the same team!!

   Women love when you do "the little things." I don't know what they are, but they love that sh*t

   I have 98.9999 problems because rounding up is one of them...

   Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that's how I feel today.

   Cops don't like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air then you wave them like you just don't care.

   Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.

   here's to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store

   Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don't wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.

   I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...

   A pessimist thinks that all women are bad. An optimist hopes that they are.

   My extremely gåy friend had an 80′s themed costume party. I came dressed up as AIDS. Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.

   For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

   There is nothing more dangerous than someone with a brain who doesn't know how to use it.

   Just case my wife creates a joint FB account, I've already hired a hit man to murder me and frame her.

   The heavier the girl, the more pics of really buff guys go up on her timeline.

   If you love her, then always tell her about how you truly feel about her. For example, "I like you and would love to see my d*ck in your mouth"